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Saturday, September 8th, 2001
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1:28 pm - i know i haven't written in here
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And it makes me feel guilty, cause i do now have another diary at opendiary.com *pouts* i'll try to talk here, or not..i duno. but today is my borthday and i feel somewhat spiffy at least. I'm now 17 *woo*
current mood:  awake
current music: My Disturbed CD
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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2:40 pm
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| Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
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8:09 pm - hmmm
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i haven't written in here for awhile, and there really isn't anything to say...well except Thursday (last week) was Brandons 16th b-day...Deanna and Drew broke up...and Heather and Andy broke up...(big day...)! Friday i stayed the night at Deanna's house and taught her about witchcraft and did a couple of tarot readings....that was pretty cool...and for the last two days i've been sick...boohoo
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 13th, 2001
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6:54 pm - hmm...
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why can't i do it anymore? why can't i make things all better with a simple cut of a knife? I want to kill it all away...i wanna get out of my house, out of my shoes, out of my head...bah...
current mood:  depressed
current music: "What its like"~Everlast
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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4:16 pm - hmm...
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why must people be so sweet to me when i'm not in the mood for sweetness? Joe got my letter today..hehe, thats really cute. He's the one i'm sharing my other journal with. If he reads this journal its either 1)upset him or 2) confuse him. i duno. i don't want to do either. *shrugs* i know now i am over Drew (woohoo!!) too bad it had to take him leaving for Arkansas for a week to figure that out. Hmm...i haven't spoken to Brandon in like forever now, but i don't care. I might call him up before the summer is over. I don't know. Umm...i'm done with this for now, i'm talking to Joee, and he's cheering me up and he dont' even know it
current mood:  blah
current music: "You wanted More"-Tonic
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
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1:30 pm - LA LA LA
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I know i haven't written as much as i should in this, but i've been paying attention to my other account on this which is a joint account with this dude whom i know. Its pretty cool...he's so sweet!! *swoons*
OH! Happy fourth of July to everyone!!
i'm usually not all patriotic OR this like happy, but you know what i'm in a good mood...hehe...I wanna talk to my boi though....*wants a boyfriend...*
current mood:  flirty
current music: "Closer"-NIN
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| Saturday, June 30th, 2001
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1:05 am - *sighs*
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~~~Give me a knife and i'll give you my heart...thats the way i would do things, and for the fact i would really and truely give you my heart scares me~~~ i wish i could say this to someone and crush him like i'm crushed
But in other news, Drew asked me how you can tell a girls ring size without letting the girl know...he's gonna get Deanna a ring...how heart breakenly cute....(and sickening). Umm...Kristina wants me to go on a blind double date with her...this cannot be good...nope nope....
i wanna write something so graphic and dark....hehehe i'm in the mood to be vulgar and mean
current mood:  creative
current music: ~~none, unless you count my cat's meowing~~
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 28th, 2001
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10:58 pm - i should give up
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the knife has been peirced into my heart and twisted and pulled. it is bleeding out crimson red and i canot stop it. it bleeds for the one who will never care...
current mood:  crappy
current music: "#1 Crush" Garbage
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(comment on this)
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9:05 pm - My summer
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My summer has literally sucked so far..today is Thursday i SHOULD be at Happy Daze, but instead i'm here at my pathetic house! oh well. i guess i could care less. My mother is such a hypocrite...she tells me to go out and have fun, then when i actually want to...she says i can't do that...i duno i should give up. Weds, that was Drew's and Deanna's One Month of being together. I wished them congrats, even though that hurt. I haven't spoken to Brandon in about a week, maybe i'll go to the skating rink tomorrow and say hey. he'll hate that, but i don't care. i havent spoken to Jenn in awhile, and i've been speaking to Skyler way too much...itll be weird at school next year..half my friends moved..and the other half i lost...oh well...i'm offically alone
current mood:  lonely
current music: " I don't Care" Tantric
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
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4:20 am - Ugh!
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Drew just basically told, "Why don't you tell Brandon you love him..or that your obsessed with him?" i'm not!! hmm, this makes no sense. fuck it. I am so hating Brandon right now, and Drew knows this...
current mood:  annoyed
current music: "Breakdown"~Tantric
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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12:16 am - The Past
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*~*The Past*~*
I dont really know why i'm writing this, maybe because i need to get somethings out and get past them.. I remember when i was younger and in the second grade i met Brandon. He was different then, compared to now, more so serious and quiet. Now he's like the 'in your face' type. I was different then too. I was more of the little hyper chick and i was more so blind to the truths than i am now. I guess for a ltitle while i lived a sheltered life. Me and Brandon were like on/off friends. We fought alot, but we couldn't stand NOT being friends. We always realised our fights were silly and meaningless and we needed eachother, to be there for one another. It was kinda funny how we became friend, cause i the beginning i taunted and teased him...i seriously hated him, but all my teasing didn't phase him, even when it made other kids cry. In the fourth grade alot of things changed within my home life. My father was spending more and more money we didn't have on Drugs and s'posedly collectible stuff. I've always been told bad stories about him by my mother. But i've always been a "daddies girl", even until the end. Like how when i was a toddler my mom went shopping and left me under the care of my father, who was already drunk. He got high and even more so drunk, and ended up half way passed out on the couch in the living room. And i guess i was always mischievious, and i got outta the house (and outta my diaper and clothes) and ran around the neighborhood. One of the neighboors ended up bringing me home when my mother pulled into the driveway seeing the front door was wide open. That i guess was really the first firght between them...over me... My father didn't showed he cared for me or my little brother, my mother always made excuses for him saying "He wasn't brought up to show feelings" or "He's too busy to spend quality time with you". He would always come home from work and zone out playing video games until either dinner was ready or he thought it was late enough for him to go to sleep. Usually it ended up him going to sleep when his vision was too blurred to see the telivision screen. I grew up around alcohol and drugs, so it became a normal thing to me. That would explain most of my friends. but back to the actual, My mother would sometimes talk him into actually sitting in the same room with me and my brother for more than five minutes, but he would complain about it. I never payed much attention to his words, but i remember his face, His eyes all droopy from the drugs and alcohol..and lack of sleep. He wouldn't attend any school functions, or anything, and i have been in alot of stuff. Altogether i have been in four school plays, 3 parades (with the school band, yea i used to be a band geek), i used to be in chorus and had performances, i went to districts in Jacksonville for acting (2 contrasting monologues), karate meets and shit, i used to play on a baseball team...i used to be a cheerleader....he NEVER attended anything! Eventually i gave up...but later i found out instead of working (that being his excuse not to go to anything) that he would rather be with a hooker. But even through all that i never hated my father until recently. But my mother thats a different story....
I started inflicting pain on myself in the 6th grade. And the ONLY reason i didn't end up killing myself 3 times during that year was becasue of my friendship with Brandon. He didn't know this though. He did notice that i quit baseball, and karate...i never told him why. I continued with Band, and that was the only class me and Brandon had together that year. We would sit at the side, never bringing our intruments. Just talking and acting like we were filling out the worksheets that were the work that you were s'posed to do if you failed to play in class. He knew everything about me. But he wasn't there during the 7th grade. And during that year he wasn't there my mothers and father's fighting got so horrible. They both were doing drung and drinking now, and one day while high my mother went on a rant about how she hated my father, and how i was JUST like him. And she went on admitting she hated me, and how she wished she had aborted me or left me in a dumpster tied in a plastic bag as a newborn, when she still had the chance. She keeps reminding me about that....or that i live near a childrens home and she wouldn't hesitate to send me there. But during the 7th grade, while Brandon wasn't there, i made friends with Amanda. She was actually my first REAL female friend. I was always a tomboy, well if you exclude being a cheerleader anyway. She was alright, very quiet, and it took awhile to break her out of her shell. She had never known her father, and she had a mother who loved her so much. I was envious of her. But then in turn she was envious or me because i knew my father...but she didn't know my life, i never let her. Well, she dressed really "preppish", and she told me i dressed the same way, i didn't really put labels on people then. Yea, i was a cheerleader, and i guess i wore the whoe 'preppish' style of clothing. But Brandon was considered a "goth" or a "freak", and i hung out with his friends whom were considered the same. So i didn't have the snobbish and snotty attitude. i was better than that. That summer i started going out with Jordan. I knew he was a druggie, and he got me into drugs and alcohol. Peer pressure is really more so than family pressure...But i could have been an 'easier target' considering i was raised around the shit, and i didn't think anything wrong of it. I remember being in Daytona at the Condo that my grandparents managed, and sneaking out of the apartment and sneaking up to the 16th or 4th or 12th floors (there were 19 floors altogether if you didn't count the roof or the basement). Eric was on the 16th, Jordan on the 4th, and Tyler and Logan on the 12th. Mainly it would be sneaking to Eric's cause he was older and had the drugs and alcohol. Yea, i would get drunk and high...and crash there...always bringing a towel and my swimsuit the night before so i could say i woke up early and went to the beach...my grandparents never noticed anything.not even the night of hell ....as i call it now. That night me and my friend Amanda, who had been there...we went up to Eric's apartment, and me and her were sitting on the floor in his room (it was a 3 bedroom apartement). and we were just drinking...drink after drink...and them serveing us more and more. Amanda was the first to get sick..She tried to get up to go to the bathroom and fell back down, so i tried to get up to help her ,and i also fell, hitting my head. Amanda kept drifting in and out of consiousness, and i was crying without realising it. We both started to get really sick, and this got Eric really scared (he was the first to notice anything was wrong). He had a feeling both me and Amanda were on the verge of alcohol posioning. but he couldn't call the hospital. We didn't wanna get caught. We were all underage for the alcohol. and he had too many drugs. in his system and around the apartment. So me and her were placed on his bed and trashcans were placed around just in case...but i don't remember anymore of that night i passed out. But Jordan was a very destructive person. He beat up on mycousins and my kid brother. During one of my rare sober monents my cousin Jennifer cam up to me and tried to convince me to break up with Jordan. But i didn't. School was coming up, and the summer was ending...Jordan constantly tried to get me to lose my virginity to him, but i didn't want to, not yet.
During 8th grade, things again changed. Brandon was back and even though me and jordan were together, he lived in Apopka (so wer really only saw eachother during the summer and Sring Break, unless we found a way to meet up on a weekend, which we did as often as possible ....which really wasn't that often). During the school year i rebelled, big time. I got into Wicca and held seances, and joined in a coven (which has now been broken apart). I liked Brandon and this dude named Nick. And i quickly forgot about Jordan. Nick desided to play bot hme and Amanda. I never fucked him (luckily), but Amanda did...nine times...I was there when they had sex for the first time. I played the "look out" just incase. Nick wanted me to join in, but i refused. Later in the week he showed up at me house, i never told him were i lived, but he remembered from the previous year when the parade ended in the Bank's parking lot behind my house. And he tried being really sweet trying to get me to give him head. When i kept refusing, he got mean, and started saying all these lies, and saying he would ruin my image by both telling the truth and spreading rumors. I wasn't as open then, i didn't want people to know i was practicing Wicca. I was no longer a cheerleader, i had quit the squad a year before. but i still cared how people viewed me. So i ended up giving him head while crying, right in my front yard by these bushes in the driveway...i tried not to think much about it. I actually blocked it out of my mind what i was actually doing while it was going on. But when i could take no more and stopped, he told me i was really good at it, and i would finish all the way soon. He had such a horrid and evil look in his eyes. And i felt so dirty. I wiped away my tears and composed myself, and my father got home, not as much as saying hello to me, he didn't even awknowledge i was there, Nick pressured me to tell him why that was, but i didn't. It sorta ashamed me. Over the next few days nothing major happened. Just the usual. then i was called up to the office, and Amanda, April, And Natilie were there. A note between my three coven members had been confenscated (they had the same class together while i was in gym with Noel and Jeanne....i had been lucky and went back to class, i had been skipping and smoking in the gym's bathroom with Noel and Jeanne). The note mentioned the coven, and the whole Nick issue. Amanda had started viewing the sex with Nick as rape. cause she was ashamed she was doing it, she didn't wanna end up like her mom and a pregnant teen. April and Natilie were dismissed from the office with them promising they would not be included in a "satanic cult" any longer..thats what they said my coven was!! damn school deputy! I was so mad, i refused to quit Wicca, which sent him into a furious talk on how i would grow up evil. I had a right to my beliefs though, didn't i? But he quit with that cause he was more interrested in the whole Nick issue. Amanda made a tangled web of lies. Cause she was NOT raped. But she was suspended mainly for having sex on school campus. I had to go see some person in Daytona becasue of her lies about the Rape. Which did end up clearing in the end and Nick didn't end up going to jail. But i later found out him and Amanda continued to have sex, she told him it was me that spread the lie and shit. Now he gives me and evil glare when i see him in the halls at school. No one looked at me the same becasue of the Wicca issue and Nick. My mom went balistic saying i was evil and i would never amount to anything. She started going through my stufff and ataking notes from friends. I was more into drugs and shit then and the sudden invasion of privacy pissed me off. And i ended up running away three times ( i still find myself having a bag packed and counting my mothers money just in case i gotta leave really quick again). Me and Brandon became closer and near the end of the year we admitted we had feelings for eachother. The next day he told me "Do NOT be at school friday NO MATTER WHAT!!" I agreed not questioning him. Cause he had told me before when to not go to school and he would stay home and we would talk on the phone all day. He was then expelled on Thrusday for being homocidal/suicidal. One of the two other friends he told to not show up had ratted him out. He was going to actually go on a killing spree in the school. i wouldn't put it past him. But he thought he would have to move so i threw away his number and ended up forgetting it. I made a switch to being goth, because i wanted to remember him. And i didn't know how else to do so. And i didn't care what anyone else thought of me, i started to show my depression a little more. and then i quickly hid it again. I lost everyone that year. Noel moved, Brandon left me, Jeanne and Amanda started going out, and forgot about me, Natilie was ordered by her mom not to talk to any of us again. April sided with Jeanne and Amanda. Tiny (jason) and i couldn't look at eachother staightly, cause of Brandon. Patrick desided to get all mad at me (even though it was him who turned Bradnon in)...me Tiny and Patrick were the only ones he wanted to keep alive. Everyone else had either pissed him off or screwed him over. Over the Summer i broke up with jordan, almost died twice, and i quit drugs. But with that i grew more dependant on alcohol, cause i didn't wanna go to rehab...and i didn't think i would go for alcohol, cause i knew how to hide that more than drugs. Compared to 8th grade, 9th grade was boring. I still cut and drank, but not as much. Nothing major happened until i lost my virginity to Jordan over the summer going into the tenth grade. We weren't going out, in fact he ha another girlfriend which he didn't tell me about unil after i had sex with him. I didn't think much on it, i forced myself not to. He had told me he had went to rehab for 8 months...and told me to not do drugs and shit and i couldn't help but thinking "you made me the way i am you bastard"...but i loved him he was my first love, i didn't know why i had broke up with him the summer before. I went and talked to Eric...and i didn't talk to Jordan for a week, and the next time i spoke to him was when i was sitting on the edge of the hottub in the basement, and Eric, Tyler, and Logan had just left to go to the bathroom to smoke. And Jordan walked in and said he wanted to talk to me so we went into the Sauna. His girl had broken up with him, and he kept apologising to me. Making me feel really forgiving and bad. Then in the mess of everyhting he started to attempt to take my clothes off. He had succeeded in taking off my shirt and bra before Eric came in, he had heard me screaming cause i had repeatedly told Jordan no, but he didn't listen. Eric was the first to come in and started beating the shit out of Jordan. Eric had a temper and considered me like a little sister, even though Jordan was like his best friend. Tyler and Logan came in next and took me out and tried to calm me down, and helping me get redressed. That was the last time i saw Jordan. Even though recently he asked my kid brother about me. Maybe i might go and see him, i don't know. I miscarried his child a couple of monthes later though. 10th grade rolled around and i was even more suicidal then ever and i was cutting more. I met Drew this year and he's been a really good friend. He's never really pissed me off, well except for when he turned me in for being suicidal. But i was more betrayed than mad. But i love that boy just the same, he's like a brother to me. I can never really stay mad at him, and i duno. I can tell him almost anything, even though it does take him to pry it out of me at times. And you know, he is probably gonna be one of the very few who i actually allow to read this.
My parents divorce was final on my 16th birthday. Happy birthday to me! ....And i hate both of them. My mom is a drunk who now does hit me from time to time. I don't know why i don't hit back. My father is a complusive liar, he lied about having a fatal disease to get sympathy during the divorce. He's also now engaged to this total bitch. My mom wants me to go visit him, but i can't, i'd end up hitting him or running away. Recently he said "I love you" he's NEVER said that before and it shocked me....i couldn 't say anything back, i looked at the floor, i hate him too much. He turns everything i say against me, to blame me for his actions. How can you love someone and not know them, and then yet try to constantly destroy them? When he left the house he gave me his knife collection...oh yea give a cutter knives...i have 5 altogether. and i've used one to cut at times. its sharp and cuts deeper than the other knifes and i bleed more...My parents and friends dont' understand why i cut...and a few do. and i kinda am glad that they do...but Jordan and my parents...and some friends made me this way! i know no other ways...i only remember living in pain....so now i create pain to live in the same lifestyle. No one has said "i love you" to me and meant it. Or at least i convince myself that they do not mean it. Not even Jordan meant it when he said it to me. I'm so skeptical when it comes to love. Maybe there is no such thing? Maybe we just look for another person to hold us up and make us feel better about ourselves and we do the same for them...and if we lost this person then we'd hit rock bottom and have to lear to either pick ourselves up and hold ourselves up...or find another to hold us. I don't know. But its now summer and its drawing close to the whole Jordan episode, and i'm in weird moods. I thought i got over cutting and for awhile i was....but now i am cutting again....either everyday or close to it.
I was asked by a person whom i do not know "What do you want out of life?" and i did not know how to answer him, but here are some things:
1) to have one day of total happyness
2) to experience true and pure love
3) to survive
4) to teach people and help them
Thats all, there is no more. And what there is ...if theres more, i will not tell. It is stuff i cannot tell...stuff dealing with my parents and then some recent friends...two boys...they know who they are...and i know they might respect the secrecy..so...yea....
~~~Michelle
Writen on: June 25, 2001
current mood:  contemplative
current music: "I disappear" - Metallica
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
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7:01 pm
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i hate feelings i really do. why must we all feel love, hate, fear, happyness, sadness....its all quite pointless. and hurtful. *sighs* i'm gonna go cry now...
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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1:43 am - Memories
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Ugh, i hate them..they suck major ass. I was just talkign to a friend that moved to Tennessee, and she was like my best friend. Well, the only female best friend. I get along better with guys. And i miss her so much. She shouldn't have moved. but like it fucking matters...oh well i dont' care. I know why i went out with Brandon awhile back. And this fucking hurts...he was liek the nicer version of Jordan...they were so fucking alike why couldn't i see it??? Only Brandon didn't try to rape me...and Brandon is now spreading i fucked him and gave him head. What a fucking friend...damn him. Some friend...known him since the 2nd grade then he does this. And tells me he hates me...gosh i wish i had a damn gun...
Jordan asked my brother about me today, he wants to see me again....i should be scared, but i kinda wanna see him even though he tried to rape me....maybe i'd just lay there and let him...and then ask him to kill me...maybe if he was high like usual he would....ugh!
current mood:  gloomy
current music: "Where did you go?" -Full Devil Jacket
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2001
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11:50 pm - Weirdos
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HELP!
VampAcideX: ih
NiteStarr1513: hey
VampAcideX: so how come ur back on
NiteStarr1513: cause my mom is asleep, and i'm bored
VampAcideX: oh
VampAcideX: so what were u planning to do
VampAcideX: when u g4t on
NiteStarr1513: i don't know
VampAcideX: okay well im here now
NiteStarr1513: i see that
VampAcideX: yeah
VampAcideX: so anyways
NiteStarr1513: whats up?
VampAcideX: uh nothing
NiteStarr1513: aww
VampAcideX: thats life eh
VampAcideX: hmm
VampAcideX: what are u doing
VampAcideX: hello?!?
NiteStarr1513: i'm sorry, i'm trying to make a deal with my friend
VampAcideX: whatever
VampAcideX: blocking u
VampAcideX: bye bye
VampAcideX: say bye to your friend
VampAcideX: or u lose me
VampAcideX: 5
NiteStarr1513: why?
VampAcideX: 4
VampAcideX: 3
VampAcideX: 2
NiteStarr1513: hey!
VampAcideX: 1
VampAcideX: blocking u
NiteStarr1513: that is not fair
VampAcideX: since u refuse
NiteStarr1513: and you know it
VampAcideX: to block the fucking piece of shit
VampAcideX: well too bad
VampAcideX: im not gunna sit around and wait for silence
NiteStarr1513: he is not a fucking piece of shit
VampAcideX: now block him and talk
VampAcideX: BLOCK HIM OR I BLOCK YOU
NiteStarr1513: i can talk to you and him
NiteStarr1513: trust me
VampAcideX: last fucking chance
VampAcideX: no u cant
NiteStarr1513: fine, i blocked him...you fucking happy now?
VampAcideX: answer me
VampAcideX: what the fuck is this deal bullshit
VampAcideX: and i didnt come on to aims to see a blank fucking screen
NiteStarr1513: he made a deck of magic cards for my brother
NiteStarr1513: and he wants to get paid
VampAcideX: too bad give me his fucking screen name
VampAcideX: since im gunna ensure he wont be msging u anymore
NiteStarr1513: what the fuck?
VampAcideX: i dont fucking need htis bullshit from u
NiteStarr1513: what fucking bullshit?
VampAcideX: i suggest u hold the fuck on
VampAcideX: or there is gunna be serious problems for u
NiteStarr1513: wiat
VampAcideX: MEANING U MSG NOONE AND U TALK TO NOONE DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR
NiteStarr1513: *wait
VampAcideX: if u do not wait
VampAcideX: i will ensure u wont have the net
VampAcideX: now u will wait
VampAcideX signed off at 11:23:06 PM.
VampAcideX signed on at 11:24:35 PM.
NiteStarr1513: wb
VampAcideX: fuck you
VampAcideX: i said to talk to noon e
NiteStarr1513: yea well they msged me...what am i s'posed to do, ignore them?
VampAcideX: yep
VampAcideX: u are
VampAcideX: we fucking need to talk now
NiteStarr1513: why am i s'posed to ignore them?
VampAcideX: blocking u then
NiteStarr1513: lets talk then
VampAcideX: have a shitty life
VampAcideX: shows how much u dont give a fuck and personally i hope u get raped someday
VampAcideX: cause itll teach u a lesson
NiteStarr1513: wait up...you know what fuck you
VampAcideX: u know what
VampAcideX: tell your faggot ass friends
VampAcideX: to back off
VampAcideX: ]u fucking liar
NiteStarr1513: so now i'm a lair?
NiteStarr1513: how so?
VampAcideX: cause if i bring my friends into this u wont be getting online
VampAcideX: i said block all your friends
VampAcideX: now
VampAcideX: ALL OF THEM EXCEPT ME
VampAcideX: AND DELETE THEM OFF
VampAcideX: NOW NOW NOW NOW
VampAcideX: MOVE IT
VampAcideX: faster u goddamn liar
NiteStarr1513: and if i refuse?
VampAcideX: this is what u get
VampAcideX: foir the bullshit
VampAcideX: then i will be fwding ur name
VampAcideX: to my friends
VampAcideX: since u wanna fucking play games with me
VampAcideX: u goddamn liar
NiteStarr1513: that is not fiar
VampAcideX: sure it is
NiteStarr1513: and i did not play games
VampAcideX: with what u did
VampAcideX: its all fair
VampAcideX: now block and delete them off
VampAcideX: now
NiteStarr1513: i am talking to my friends
VampAcideX: I SAID NO U ARENT
VampAcideX: NOW
NiteStarr1513: who i happen to know from school
VampAcideX: block them
VampAcideX: no more
VampAcideX: now say bye n block
VampAcideX: or i fwd ur name right now to my friends
NiteStarr1513: look, can we discuss this tomorrow, i have to go
VampAcideX: fine opening email and putting ur name
VampAcideX: bullshit
VampAcideX: u fucking liar
VampAcideX: u wont be online anymore
VampAcideX: we need to talk and u LIED TO ME ONCE AGAIN
NiteStarr1513: just cause i wont block my friends?
VampAcideX: block your friends
VampAcideX: now
VampAcideX: NOW
NiteStarr1513: how the fuck did i lie to you?
VampAcideX: BLOCK THEM ALL
VampAcideX: AND CEASE TALKING TO THEM AND ILL TELL U
VampAcideX: NOW MOVE IT
VampAcideX: move it faster it doesnt take 15 fucking minutes
VampAcideX: for u to do so so move move move move mvoe mvoe move move move
VampAcideX: IT
VampAcideX: move it asshole
NiteStarr1513: and how the fuck do you know if i'm blocking them or not?
VampAcideX: i will click send on this email
VampAcideX: if u dont
VampAcideX: cause we need to talk
NiteStarr1513: then obviously you don't give a shit about me
VampAcideX: and that means 100% attn
VampAcideX: and that means u TALK TO NOONE BUT ME
NiteStarr1513: you have my attention
VampAcideX: NOW BLOCK EHTNM
NiteStarr1513: i'm not talking to anyone but you
VampAcideX: NO nto til u block them
VampAcideX: cause i cant trust u
NiteStarr1513: but i'm not blocking them
VampAcideX: without u blocking them
NiteStarr1513: i will not talk to them
VampAcideX: and deleteing\
NiteStarr1513: but i am not blocking them
VampAcideX: BLOCK THEM OFF U SON OF A BITCH
VampAcideX: or i will fucking call the cops
VampAcideX: alsop
VampAcideX: and open a legal case
VampAcideX: against u
VampAcideX: for what u ddi
NiteStarr1513: this is all bullshit what the fuck would you call the cops on
VampAcideX: now eitgher u GUCKING BLOCK THEM OR I FUCKING CALL THE COP[S AND PRESS CHARGES
NiteStarr1513: i didn't do anyhitng
VampAcideX: YES U DID
NiteStarr1513: pressing charges for what?
VampAcideX: BLOCK
VampAcideX: AND DELETE
VampAcideX: AND ILL TELL U
VampAcideX: TIL THEN U DONT GET SHIT BUT A LEGAL SUMMONS TO COURT
VampAcideX: cause ill send your sorry ass to jail
VampAcideX: BLOCK THEM
VampAcideX: NOW
NiteStarr1513: how the hell can you send my ass to jail?
VampAcideX: i suggest
VampAcideX: u block
VampAcideX: now
NiteStarr1513: blocked
VampAcideX: block them
NiteStarr1513: now what?
VampAcideX: all
VampAcideX: and delete them
VampAcideX: DELETE
VampAcideX: THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLL
NiteStarr1513: why for?
VampAcideX: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
VampAcideX: BLOCK
VampAcideX: AND DELETE
NiteStarr1513: if they are blocked why should it matter?
VampAcideX: BLOCK AND DELETE
VampAcideX: BLOCK AND DELETE
VampAcideX: block and delete
NiteStarr1513: damnit, done...are you so fucking mean?
VampAcideX: I SAID BLOCK AND DELETE
VampAcideX: GODFUCKING DAMN U
VampAcideX: now your gunna have to wait
VampAcideX: due to your friend harassing me
VampAcideX signed off at 11:34:11 PM.
VampAcideX signed on at 11:37:39 PM.
VampAcideX: ik fucking waiting
NiteStarr1513: i did what you said
VampAcideX: I SAID
VampAcideX: BLOCK
VampAcideX: AND DELETE
NiteStarr1513: i did
VampAcideX: first off
VampAcideX: heeero x2
VampAcideX: fucking msgd me
VampAcideX: dont fucking lie
NiteStarr1513: i don't know who that is!
VampAcideX: i know it was one of ur faggot ass friends
NiteStarr1513: but i don't know who that is
VampAcideX: liar
VampAcideX: u fucking liar
VampAcideX: im sick of this game with u
NiteStarr1513: stop accusing me of things when you do't know whats your talking about
VampAcideX: BULLSHIT
NiteStarr1513: what fucking game?!
VampAcideX: they fucking warned me
VampAcideX: all night
VampAcideX: and were harassing me
NiteStarr1513: but i don't know them!!
VampAcideX: whatever
NiteStarr1513: believe me or not
NiteStarr1513: i don't care
VampAcideX: whatever
VampAcideX: im so fucking sick of
VampAcideX: yoiur friends
VampAcideX: hiding who they are
VampAcideX: etc
VampAcideX: and warning me
VampAcideX signed off at 11:41:31 PM.
Theres more, but i dont wanna get into that
why must people be so weird? this is a fucked up world...
current mood:  angry
current music: None, just Scary Movie in the background
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| Saturday, June 16th, 2001
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11:14 am - *gargles*
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i wish i could drown myself. but i don't have a pool...oh-well. My friend Kris should be coming to see me soon (near the end of the month) that should be cool. Weekends are so boring!! and i feel like doing something. But what can a person with no money do? i actually wanna throw a party...hehehe *evil smile*
i feel drunk or high, and i'm not....wooo hehehe
current mood:  drunk
current music: the T.V.
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| Thursday, June 14th, 2001
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10:03 pm - coping...
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I don't know what to do anymore. I need to vent, and i have hardly anyone to vent to anymore. All of my friends know bits and peices of me, but none really know the whole story. Well, exept for the one i lost. I don't know what to do and how t odeal with such loss. I thought he was dead a few days ago and that destroyed me. Now i know he's alive and he betrayed me...thats a whole different story. I mean i could deal with him being dead....i would then not have to face him every so often. We have the same friends and such...this is going to be way too hard! I'm NEVER gonna be able to look at him the same. What the hell is wrong with everything?! i'm losing friends left and right. Either to death or because they end up lying or something! i can't deal with this anymore. Basically all i have left is Drew and Deanna, and really that hurts so bad!! Deanna is like me in so many ways. We both have similar backgrounds, and we both have been or are cutters. The only differences between me and her is that i used to do drugs, and she never has..and she has Drew now, and i used to. But we both have feelings for him and he has feelings for her. This just doesn't seem right. I dont' wanna be the third wheel. Well, all i know is that this weekend, or tomorrow, i should be hanging out with Deanna...and then next thursday i should be hanging out with Jenn and going to Happy Daze. Me and Jenn will probably be getting drunk before hand..and well...it should be fun, my little flirty self.
I swear i'm gonna end up killing my mom and my brother. If he blows up at me ONE MORE TIME i'm gonna keep hitting him and NOT stop. He gets whatever he wants and its pissing me off! I dont' care if he is mom's fave. Or if she loves him and not me. i dont' care about that. But if she goes into another one of her fits and starts hitting me repeatedly like today, i'm gonna end up hitting back, i know i will. but like that matters. She told me yet again today that she should have left me in a dumpster as a newborne or she should have aborted me when she had the chance. Maybe i should just up and leave. Thats what she wants, isn't it? But where would i go? What about the couple of friends i do have left? I guess i'll stick out this hellolefor a little longer. Until i do lose the few people i have left. Which i know is going to happen. I don't care anymore. I could die right now and not give a shit. Maybe i should use my knives. It'll make everything better for a little while anyway.
current mood: depressed
current music: "Cold Day"- Deadline *if you don't know this song, i pity u!
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5:03 pm - Random Thoughts
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I don't know what to do anymore. I wanna say "fuck Brandon." But he's been one of my boi's since the second grade. I duno what to do. Drew is with Deanna, and honestly me and her are so alike. I still love him, and i keep telling her i love him like a brother. and maybe thats all it is. I duno, i'm just so confused right now. I honestly don't want feelings for him. He's my other best friend, and he knows so much about me. and i know more about him than his girlfriend does. Even though she took his virginity. He doesn't even know that i know ....she told me. I cannot believe i cried when she did tell me though. I'm lucky when i cry, i don't make sounds, the tears just slide down my cheeks...but thats rare. Tears are so abnormal to me. i've cried maybe three times in the last year and a half. Once was cause me and Drew broke up, then when me and Brandon broke up...now i cried on the phone when she told me...and she didn't even realise it! Do you know how much that just fucking pisses me off....it pisses me off when they don't notice how i am feeling...then i get all weird when they do. Drew is like the only one i AM comfortable crying in front of, and telling him EVERYTHING...well mostly everything....except that i love him. It hurts so much when he comes to me with his problems with Deanna. but i guess i just have to deal with it, right? My friend Cruzanna told me, "You've been friends with him through three other girlfriends, and three other breakups. In the end he'll see you stuck through it the most, and you were there...and maybe he'll wise up and feel the same. If not...make him jealous!" I duno if she is right.
I wanna talk to some old friends and get hooked up with some kinda drug...maybe speed, or heroin...i duno...i haven't done anything for like a year, and it could be a bad idea to start up again. Eitehr that...or just drag a nice cold blade over my skin again..and make it warm....ugh! what am i thinking!!?
i think i'll stop this for now...
OH! i gotta go to Happy Daze in a week!! I gotta see my bands! yea! I get to see my friend in their bands...*drools* it should rock!
current mood:  confused
current music: "Ana's Song" & "Suicidal Dream" -both by Silverchair
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
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8:14 pm - Friendship betrayal
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How do you deal with a friend you've known since the 2nd grade, and they all of a sudden make everything go wrong? take into effect you know everything about this person, and they know everything about you...and suddenly they lie all the time and seem to not even care anymore! this is total bullshit! I can't handle this anymore! if i lose one more damn friend, i'm gonna flip out! ugh!
oh one more thing, i created a deadletter at this one site www.thedeadletter.com you pretend your dead and write a ltter...if you wanna read here: http://www.thedeadletter.com/read.html?167990987388684
current mood: blah
current music: "Dream On"-Aerosmith (yes i'm 16, yes i listen to old music)
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6:16 pm - Rambles i Created before, just to start my journal off
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6/2/2001
You sit there staring at me. Wondering who I am, and what exactly i am doing here. I'm different than you, I always have been. In this pathetic existance we call life, i wander blinded and bruised. You all to some degree hate me, and i know its not from jealousy, for i have nothing to be jealous of. If anyone should be envious it should be me. But we shall not divulge on the obvious. I've tried so many times in too many ways to end what we call this forever longing to suffer day by day, night after night. I've tried so many ways and so little times to fix what i beleive to be wrong, but the problem never stayed the same and the solutions never actually worked. I lie to myself and no others to hide all the pent up thoughts and feelings inside, yet i hate it when someone else lies. I guess i am a hypocrite, and i hate myself for this. I confuse myself time after time, i hate myself yet how is it possible to hate yourself and yet love others. I love so many, in many different ways, and yet i still find myself longing to the things i cannot have nor will ever have. I portray myself as someone who is not afraid, when all i am is petrified...scared of what i am and will become. And i try to hide my true self from others...for they will not like it. So yet, no one knows the person i hate, no one knows the person i try to kill...no one knows me.....
6/3/2001
The thoughts runnging through my head are about you...and only you. I wish you would believe my thoughts if i said them aloud, but i know you wouldn't. You never did before. You are the one who knows me, you are the one who has been there...but then you are the one who hurts me, you are the one who shoves me around. I cannot fight my thoughts about you, and i cannot fight the urges i have of the words i want to speak, yet somehow i hold them back. Your now with her, and you know how i feel about you. Yet, you turn to me with your problems. Telling me how you believe you love her....ripping my heart into shreds. I feel drained and hallowed...are these feelings normal? Do you even notice them? Strangly enough i don't believe you do, even though you knew everytime i lied, and everytime i felt sad, or lonely....you knew me inside and out...now you don't. Or you chose not to. I want to take the cold blade that sits under my matress in my room...and....well, basically do the expected. Would you notice then? if i was not here? i sit listening to certain songs, ones that i should not...but i do not care.
you tell me constantly to go to another, one whom i also have feelings for, but yet i know he will just use me. I want to give up, yet i am afraid. I wish i was stronger, and bolder...to do the things i wished to do. But i guess for now, i just sit and listen to these songs and listen to you ramble on about her....
6/4/2001
I'm dead...or dying, the two are so close i've lost track of what is what. If i'm not dead yet i shall be soon. My mind is killng me....killing me emotionally. I wish i could be there for people who want me to be there, yet i cannot. The tears streaming down my face go unnoticed...and they are so unusual. I am not used to such things running down my face. I am crying yet i honestly do not know the reason why. There are so many different reasons it is hard to just pick one. I have been told i am manic depressant...or something like that. I do not see how they figure that. Manic is where you go to the extremes, is it not? Well, i am sorry to say but i put up the happy front to show you i am "strong", i know i can go from being "happy" to pissed/sad in the matter of a simple comment. but it is not because i am manic, it is because i am so sick of lying to myself and to you. You never really will notice how i really am..and if you have you show no signs of it. And when i speak of you this time, i really speak of everyone in general. Unlike before there really is no specific person. I wish i could be the things everyone wants me to be, everyone places such high expectations of me, then when i fail to meet their needs, i find i am just as pathetic and useless as i have always truely been. I find closing myself off doesn't work...and opening myself up doesn't work...so what am i to do? i wish i could become a statue, much like the cold queen in Anne Rice's novels. Except, i wish i would never come out of it. Either the statue...or please strip me of all the feelings i feel, i wish to be numb to it all. I canot handle anything any more. I used to be able to just be passive of it all...or at least cover it up well. but i'm bursting now. i'm like a bomb, set to explode, without a timer. And if there was a timer, it would be going off sooner than expected. And with this bomb there are no people to be able to deprogram it...if thats even the correct term. So many people i hurt day by day...so many lives i infect with a small disease. I have nothing to give to the world, but my anger and my hatred. And more so hatred than anger. I always went by the beliefs its wrong to hate, and yet i now find myself doing what i never planned on doing. I wish i was someone else, in some other time. Or i wish i was gone from this world all together. I sit staring at these pills, and my knife. Wondering if i should take them and wondering if i should use the knife...It could be simple. it could be right. No one would honestly notice, for my parents do not care if i leave or go. Why who would, especially a mother who tells her child day by day that the child should have been aborted or abandoned when borne? And a father who is never there....never was....never will be. Day by day i lose the ones i love. Everything ends up with heartbreak and i'm sick of it. People are starting to sicken me...they sicken me while they amuse me. I do not understand how that is possible...but its just the way things are. Honestly i beleive i am crazy. I hear things that really shouldn't be there. And i used to, and still do at times, see things that no one else can. And i tend to believe things that to a 'normal' person it is hard to grasp. Maybe i am too open minded. or maybe i am too gullible. I wish i was able to understand things, especially myself. But i'm afraid once i do understand things, and let people know the true me it'll be like the old pandora's box...and the release of evil into the world. honestly, people think i am this innocent little child that just sits and gives these 'cute' little looks, absorbing all around her , and thinking entirely way too much. But honestly i am sitting there, looking at you, and thiking very suickly amusing things, i am too morbid, and it scares me. I was told by my best friend that if i saw someone dying, and i dd not know/care for this person, i would let them die and probably laugh. I told him he was wrong and i got all defensive..but he was right...there are about only three people in this entire world that i would actually try to save..that i would take a bullet for. That i would rather see me dead, than them. Sure there are others that i care about if they die, but alot of people i could care less. i wonder how i would be like if i didn't constantly hold things back, and if i just let loose. I would probably be this one evil little chick that everyone loves to hate. Hey, thats not all that nontruthful now. I am hated by alot of people, and i don't mind that. I actually think its quite amusing. People are so judgemental and superficial. They stereotype anything and everythig just to make themselves feel better. Everything has to have a label, otherwise its wrong. And everything that has a label has to be in its proper place. Mothers & friends tell people that they are unique....yea your unique just like EVERYONE ELSE! sheesh, its a sad sad world. and its a horrid truth. Does anyone actually see the truth anymore, or does everyone "shape the world" to fit themselves? constantly lying to themselves to be happy. Cause happyness is everyones "goal" eveyone's want. If you don't have happyness...what have you got? Well you have everything else out there. Emotions aren't everything...are they? *sighs* But for now i guess i shall just be this little teenager with "teenager" problems...even though i don't veiw them as that. i dont' know anymore. and i guess i shall never really know. I wish i had no feelings...and all the answers to all my questions......
6/5/2001
I sit here thinking about the past. How it has affected me, and shapes who i am today. I sit looking at pictures, and burning them as i do. They were pictures of you...of us...of the times we spent. I do not know why i kept them after that frightful day. The day that i shall never forget as long as i live. But we shall not divulge into that. You were my first love, and isn't it written somewhere that the first love is always bound to fail? If it was not for our friends i would regret all the thoughts i still have for you, and to some degree i do. I know i will never see you again, well if i have anything to do with it, the day i do see you again is the day you shall die. And the day i see you it will be a painful day, and i hope that our friends are there to stop me. Because you do have a small peice of my heart still. Even though it should be burned with these pictures. I wish i could be like Vlad Dracul and skin you alive, and hand your flesh on a pole while you are hanging next to it, in a towne square, for all to see. I wish to embarrass you like you ridiculed me. I did not mind the fact you molded me into who i am now, the self concious little bitch that hardly trusts anyone. Or the fact your the one who actually introduced me to cutting, drugs, and drinking. But i do hate the fact that i gave up myself to you, and then you turned around and tried to take me. That was not what a friend, or lover should do. I spent a good portion of my life with you, and i still was blind and idiotic. i should have seen through everything, i should have known the ending. I do kknow that i am glad i broke up with you, even after 2 1/2 years. And i do not mind that half the time of us being together one of us was high or drunk. You taught me what heartbreak was, you taught me how to love even when i didn't know i could. You taught me even though everyone was against me, that someone still was with me. you also showed me that there is a thin line between love and hate, and its easily crossed over. You taught me that the people you love are the ones who are most capable of killing you. One thing, I don't know why /It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind /I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time /I tried so hard /In spite of the way you were mocking me /Acting like I was part of your property /Remembering all the times you fought with me /I'm surprised it got so (far) /Things aren't the way they were before /You wouldn't even recognize me anymore /Not that you knew me back then /But it all comes back to me (in the end) /You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart/What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I /I tried so hard /And got so far /But in the end /It doesn't even matter /I had to fall /To lose it all /But in the end /It doesn't even matter (From "In The End-Linkin Park) This song would be so right for us, and you would know it. If i saw you again though i know i wouldn't handle it. You've killed me twice, in ways i will never explain. and one is obvious to us both and the people i've told. But the other you shall never know. Because if i ever saw you i would rip your eyes out and make you eat them, i know this is harsh, but it is the way i feel. I am glad that i lost the one thing you would never see. And i should not call him/her a thing...or even a him/her. Why must life throw out these little things that come to harm, why does life find it funny to mock us of such things. if you had not made the decision you did, i would not have been as willing to lose as i did. I would of had a chyld, your chyld....but i miscarried..and i am glad, cause if you had followed through with your plan, if our friends had not stopped you, i would not know if the chyld was of love or...of rape. Farewell to my pictures of us and you. And now i hope farewell to these thoughts and regrets. Farewell to chances, and hello to old ways. I thought i gave up on all you showed me, but they are always there....I just hope i am strong enough to stop myself from the enevitable.
6/8/2001
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i constantly haunted by the things i cannot change. I should be worrying about the future, now of how i could have changed the past. But it seems somethings about me will never change. I find myself wanting to cut again. Maybe i should give in. What would one little scratch do? Would it do more harm than good? I really wish that one day i could be normal, not normal to myself. But how i picture a normal teenage life. Where somethings go really well, and some things flop, but the good always overpowers the bad. And there are no need for tears, because they are part of the bad, and people smile...i mean actually smile, no fakeness to them, or forced little grins upon their faces. And everone who thought life was going downhill, or it already was at that point of self-destruction, it would seem alright for once. But since when do wishes ever come true? I think wishes are just little requests that people give out to hold some sort of sanity in this insane world of ours. Little pleas of help, and little wants and needs that may not ever in a lifetime happen. And maybe friends are not true either. Maybe they are just little links of a whole that keeps growing and growing, and its like one big giant chain of links, that constantly circles around eachother, and if one link breaks off it is never really broken, and the link is easily replaced. Maybe my link should be the next to leave. I don't really deserve this life that i live. And maybe i am messed up for believeing this. i want to break everything in sight, and i want to tear everything down. I want to make everyone and everything hurt the way i do. But then i cannot allow myself to see my friends suffer...i could care less about anyone else, they are crap to me. A world outside my friends is like a desert. It chokes you of everything , and will kill you, because there is nothing to nourish you. But then again your friends are able to strangle the nourishment out of you without the heat, and the chocking the world outside is able to do. Friends hold the key to your demise if you do not realise this or not. Without them...or at least one friend...who are you? your yourself, of course, but every person you meet you learn something from and that molds you into who you are. We are all bits and pieces of eachother. Which is a scary thought. So i thank you world for making me into the fucked up little being that i am. The next gash shall be for you, and all your little realities you may hold. then the next gash shall be for my friends, i love you all....and not all have driven me to be the psychotic little being that i am, some of you truely did care, and i thank you for that. But then some of you drove me to act the way i do. And you will never realise this, because i will never tell you. I am not to the point of killing myself off quickly...no, that would be too easy. I shall destroy myself slowly, and painfully. I came into this world that is full of pain and hatred and evilness. And i shall leave this world in a very similar way. Which will take a long long time. And if i am ever driven to the point of killing someone then i shall...no hesitation, because no one had any hesitiation in killing me emotionally. I know i say the saying "i hate everyone equally" and i honestly do, even the people i love i find myself hating at times. sometimes the people i care the most about i see myself killing them...well except for maybe two people. they shall never die by my hands. And now this is the end of my rant...
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*Actual Entry*
Today i found out that my friend Brandon is actually alive...and that he betrayed me in a sense that a friend should never do so! But that means nothing i guess. I still have my best buddy Drew. But what hurts is that he is with Deanna...and i still love him...
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: "In The End" -Linkin Park
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nitestarr's journal